Appreciation after being 66% done
Myself a year ago would've benefitted from reading this
“Please put your pens down,” said the Formal Languages professor. A second later, realization struck me, but it was too late. Not exactly how I planned to end the year, but nothing to be done about it. Exam season is over. Tomorrow morning, I will have a plate of new adventures to indulge in, and none of this will be relevant anymore. At least for the next 4 weeks till they release the grades.
I.
This was supposed to be an overview of my year at Warwick — my university. Instead, I’m sharing a sentiment that formed in my mind and heart over the last few months:
Warwick deserves more love than it’s actually getting, especially from its own students.
In fact, I have a strong suspicion this is true for many good universities that have more prestigious counterparts. In our STEM cluster, there is almost an atmosphere of inferiority seeping through the walls and pores of every single person, no matter whether staff or student. Every day, you can hear “but at Oxbridge they…” from the students, and “we can’t do things the way they do them at some other universities” from the staff. It is true that a large part of the cohort’s brightest people are Oxbridge rejects but conventional wisdom says to hold your head high in the face of all circumstances, instead of helping some self-fulfilling prophecy play out.
II.
Going to Warwick indeed initially felt like defeat - waking up in the “wrong” dorm was a daily reminder that my plans could be thrown out of the window; the journey was taking a big detour. I got unlucky with my dorm neighbors, and I was severely understimulated by the academics. It was a depressing time, to say the least.
Of course, I tried finding my place all throughout my first year. But precisely because I felt out of place, it felt as though I were trying to move a cement block. Like I was banging against a door with no one to open it from the other side. Because, in fact, there was no one to open it. Well, except me, of course. But back then, I was too busy — self-pity takes up a lot of time, you know.
III.
At some point this year, I came to accept that I’m spending three years of my life at this university regardless of what I do with my time, i.e. I will be three years older and, uhm, closer to death, by the time I gain “freedom” again, so I might as well enjoy the ride. Things finally started falling into place.
Now, I’m acting out of love and appreciation, and all of a sudden, I’m excited to take part in the things that already exist, meet people who are already here, and create communities to hang out with people I know and cherish, rather than host events to find some ethereal unicorns.
And the academic life does change for the better.
IV.
Another piece of conventional wisdom: any scenario and any choice has its ups and downs. I still don’t know how right Warwick is for me academically, but it did kickstart a growing up that comes to bite everyone sooner or later.
Living under external pressure all the time, one never really gets the chance to own one’s life and time. Competitive sports, olympiads, graduation exams, immigration — there was always a cause that dictated my rhythm and choices. And coming to Warwick was the first time as an adult that I was left by myself with plenty of time on my hands, not in a constant rush to meet deadlines, not preparing for anything important, not drowning in hard things daily fed to me from a spoon. Just living. And one has to overcome a lot of biases and find inner strength to be happy with no structure around them.
why does my writing suddenly sound like AI…
At Warwick, I definitely matured as a person, and as a mathematician downstream of that. Not long ago, I felt comfortable and interested only in olympiad-style mathematics, which boils down to solving complex problems with simple methods. Now I’ve finally started to get the beauty of sophisticated objects and the relationships between them, and the general aesthetic perfection I only speculated about before. Comparing how topics are represented across textbooks, finding random essays from renowned mathematicians, realising different perspectives all bring me joy. My interest in maths now isn’t enforced upon me and isn’t some expensive dopamine fix, but is deeper and more grounded and longer-standing. I’m quite doubtful that I would have the same sentiments if I were at one of the universities.
Sometimes the things you get differ from the things you want, but that doesn’t mean you don’t need them.
V.
Even if the modules I take don’t provide all the rigour that I would’ve liked, they give enough exposure to let me take matters into my own hands.
Allegedly, I’m 2/3 of the way to “mastering” mathematics — at least that was my initial plan: do a bachelor’s degree for the love of the game, and do grad school for the love of employment. Alas, I don’t think I’m even close to being 2/3 satisfied. The people I went to middle school with are more proficient in the subject than I am by a huge margin, but I think it’s fair to say my attitude and interest are now much more sane and healthy compared to my ex-classmates burning out by the age of 20 and hating maths, wishing they “never have to see the subject ever again”. And when you’re sane and healthy, the world’s your oyster.
VI.
I love Warwick for being kind. From your smiling peers to the supportive staff, from the extracurricular campus life to the way exams are organized — even if the implementation isn’t ideal, you can always see that thought and care have been put in1.
Even though institutions don’t usually pride themselves on kindness being a core value, it is an essential value for me, and I’m happy I’m in a place that aligns, even if it’s not purely intentional.
The Maths department specifically is a truly welcoming place. Instead of forcing everyone to follow rules and stay in line, interested students are allowed to take graduate-level modules and assume responsibility for younger members of the community. Nothing is rigid — as long as you’re sensible and acting in good faith, no one will aim to limit you. It feels like we are one village of people where everyone cares for each other, listens, and hears.
Quoting Sir Christopher Zeeman, Warwick’s Founding Mathematician:
VII.
Most of the things above aren’t really Warwick-specific — depending on the intensity of the course, many people will probably experience something similar at any decent university. But that’s the whole point. Courses that are less intense benefit you in ways that intensity does not give you room for. And it’s not good or bad. It’s just how it is.
VIII.
Oh, and last thing to add — I spent quite a bit of time with Oxbridge people (mostly Oxford) this year, and at the end of the day, people are just people. Some are more energetic, some more passionate, some more dedicated, but none of these characteristics are shared by all the students at a university. Likewise, at every university, you will find people who possess them. I promise, if I put some of the people I met at Warwick, Oxford, and Cambridge in one room, you would not be able to separate them into the three boxes.
And so Woxbridge is my favourite word from now on.
P.S.
There is a pedestal. The pedestal is fake. However, there is a word for it, so it feels real. So let me propose another word — Woxbridge. See, now the pedestal expanded.
Are you from Bristol? Broxbridge? What if we kick out Oxford and replace it with Imperial — we get Wimpridge. And so on, and so on, and so on.
Having a word for something makes it more tangible, more powerful. I’d say “beware,” but this is becoming too much of a tangent. Just don’t let fake pedestals get to your real life.
Peace, love <3
I’ve heard a lot about how poorly Oxford treats its students during exam season, which came both as a surprise and a confirmation of subconscious bias.
There really is nothing new under the sun before we literally cycled afresh through every thought here even before you sent me this